Afraid of a Break Down …
When I was a little girl, it was instilled in me that I was a warrior. A warrior in my own female right. I was taught to be strong and smart … Keep my head up when I was feeling torn and keep on moving and don’t let anyone stop me…….
When I met him, I was intimidated and emotionally stripped… I thought it was the right thing to do to surrender myself to what I thought was the best thing for me … love …
That love took me for a bodacious ride, an uncompromisable turn. I thought I wasn’t supposed to be free. The gestures that were rained upon me, chained me like an iron fence. Whipped with the lashes of an emotional burn … scarred…
The vision of clothes being torn off were the words of unforbidden truth, I honored it and made excuses for it. In turn I got subdued into a force of something that I thought stripped me from being proud. It escalated to something more …
My emotional stance was not allowed to cry, not allowed to be … anything other than myself. Quiet I stayed humble and agreed to every aching pain. I agreed to the substance that I allowed myself to accept. I begged in my own mind for it to stop … it didn’t. I thought it was right.
The breakdown that I was afraid of, I did not let my children see. The strength that it took for me to hold it all in … made me tired. The breakdown that crept up on me every moment I had alone was paused at the result of me believing I would be labeled weak and worthless to any man … or even myself.
I believed that it was okay to keep it all in and forfeit what was really healing. In my own mind… I was afraid of this breakdown. The tears and the pain that would make my body shiver when my lips quivered.
Brand new, I don’t want to carry this baggage. This beginning, this new love … I want to be free. You’re showing me you, and I am afraid to show you me. This powerful breakdown that lurks upon me, has got me bitting my nails, because I know you’re the type of person that will hold me … especially when I cry.
This breakdown had a grip on me and I’m so afraid of it.
